Year-end Recap

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
-- Anais Nin

I don't believe in "Beyond the grave" communication. I think its illogical and childish to believe in something so absurd. I do, however, believe that the Lord can use things that someone who has died, did when they were alive, to help someone now. Ergo, the quote. About a year and a half ago, I found this quote written in my mom's handwriting on a piece of paper. The quote brought me to tears because it told me exactly what I needed to hear, almost as if my mom was telling me what to do.

I am naturally a very timid and worried person. A year ago, if you asked me what I thought about a certain issue, I would give an answer that I had previously heard from someone else, or not give an answer at all. I was so scared to be wrong, and so scared to be what people didn't want me to be. My whole being was made up of what I believed to be other's expectations of who "April" should be, and looking back, I see that I was a dreadful mess. Not only was I constantly afraid of other's opinions of me, but I was consumed with trying to be like the people that I thought everyone loved. I was this weird, cheap imitation of a genuine person. My logic was that if I was like that person, the person that everyone respects and loves, then I would be respected and loved too. But my logic only proved to be faulty.

Last February, I was confronted by the leadership in my church about this problem. It was handled very harshly and not biblical (In accordance to Matthew 18.) Though I do not agree at all with how the situation was handled, I am thankful that it happened. After this meeting, I became a very isolated person. I was angry with people, and that anger caused me to rebel against them. Now, when I say rebel, I do not mean that I started drinking, doing drugs, or anything of the sort. I mean that I rebelled against what my church and close friends believed to be the "norm" and began the creation of me. My thinking became, "I don't care what they think... I like doing this, so I am going to do it." Of course, that mindset is not okay to have when considering sin, but thankfully, I was kept by the Lord's hand away from that kind of temptation. But in every other aspect of life, I began, over the summer, to develop my own mind and my own convictions regarding things. If you asked me now what I thought about such and such a thing, I would tell you, honestly, what I believed about it. And, I can tell you now, I have never felt so free.

And so, this quote has become a sort of "Mile Stone" statement for my life over this past year. I have taken the risk to blossom and grow into who I know I am in Christ. Yes, there have been times where it has been painful- I have had to learn from a few wrong decisions. But when has being wrong become the end of the world? I don't think I really believe in failure anymore. Sure, we do things that don't work, but if we learn from it, we are better in the end. That is LIFE. We live, we learn, we grow... I am not afraid to live life and experience everything it has to offer- whether painful or delightful. We only have one life to live and I don't want to miss even a moment.

Just live your life!