Sunday, February 27, 2011

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sylvia and I

I stare at the clock, and the numbers mock me. 2:56am. They snicker at the thought of me being so far away from slumbering sweetly. I breathe in and out quickly. Anxiety at 3am has a strange effect on me. I lay here trying to pinpoint its origin, but I only become more overwhelmed with worries and draw farther away from sleep.

Such has been my routine for the past three nights. The only difference tonight is that I have no one to worry about bothering with my alertness at such an odd hour. My roommate is gone for the night.

I have been laying here reading the journals of Sylvia Plath. She has been my constant companion on sleepless nights. She comforts me by telling me true reality. I find myself time and time again, logging onto Youtube to listen to her read her poems. I recall her voice being powerful. She recites them with such conviction. I fantasize about what it might be like if she were still alive and I got the chance to meet her. I wonder if I would still be as enthralled by her without her claim to suicide. I believe I would be. Reading through her journals- the things that were so very private to her- reveal such intimate detail about who she was. I love her, I think. She is a good friend.

Anyhow... I fear that I shouldn't sleep a wink tonight. I do enjoy being awake, while the rest of the world is asleep, but my body longs for the rest it requires to function. Maybe just a little shut eye... No? As you wish...

Wait up, Sylvia... I'm coming!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Mind

s  e  p  e s      n  g  t
  l  e   l  s          i  h

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What Sarah Said...

Today in my poetry class we had an assignment where we needed to pick a song and play it for the class. The point was to articulate how sound can be poetical and convey meaning, just like words can. After a few weeks of contemplating what I would play, I decided upon "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab For Cutie. The song is essentially about time and the brevity of it. Or, to be more specific, time in relation to death. (I'll post the lyrics to it at the end of this blog.)

Anyway- it made me miss my mom. I think I have said that so much lately that it seems to be waring out. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe if I miss her enough, I will eventually run out of missings. Maybe...

"What Sarah Said"

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?
So who's going to watch you die?
So who'd going to watch you die?

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I feel unproductive in school this semester. I now know that I cannot, for my own sanity, take 12 units ever again. It's like I have no homework and I don't like it.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I miss her...

I miss her more today than usual. I think about the cliche, "Time heals all wounds." and cannot decide whether it is incorrect or not. In a way, time heals the initial hurt of losing someone to death. The shock of death has worn off and you are able to accept it more as time goes on. But I tend to think of it more as, the more days that pass, the farther you are away from the last time you were with that person. It is hard.

I miss her so much. I truly hate death.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone...

"You don't believe a woman could enjoy being free and independent?...Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later."
-- (500) Days of Summer

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Better Day...

Today has been a better day. Not really "good," but better. I am hoping that the days keep getting better. If not, I just hope that they are atleast this good and productive.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Friday, February 4, 2011

Released From The Grip

"Finally" is just a boring word. But for the sake of explanation, I will use it. I have finally come out of the slum of sadness that I have been in for the last week. To say I am relieved would be an under statement. I am very thankful to have peace in my heart and mind. I am thankful to be able to get out of bed and get things done. I am thankful to be laughing without it hurting. I am thankful.

Looking forward to my trip with my Ella Bella Best Friend tomorrow to a "far away" land. EEK! It should be a fun day. We are going to eat at a quaint little diner type place, and possibly do some other things. Just happy to be able to spend a day with a good friend in a place that isn't campus.

Now back to learning to play the Ukulele... I hope I get the hang of this thing soon!

Oh... and I may or may not have a stomach issue. Tomorrow I am changing my diet to see if it helps. If not, I'll head to El Doctor-o soon. But here is to hoping that a change of diet can help it!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I hate death.

I just got the urge to call my mom. My desire to talk to her is overwhelming. I want to scream... I want to kick and scream. I hate death. I hate death. I hate death.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Can anyone save me?

I am drowning fast into a deep lake of troubles. This pain has become so strong that I almost feel numb. I'm lost. I need direction and care. Not judgment and convictions. Each person seems to misunderstand me completely. I need just one person to tell me they know me and love me and mean it forever. Show me you mean it because I am losing hope. I am losing hope in everything. I need to be guided.

Can anyone save me?