Thursday, December 30, 2010

Year-end Recap

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
-- Anais Nin

I don't believe in "Beyond the grave" communication. I think its illogical and childish to believe in something so absurd. I do, however, believe that the Lord can use things that someone who has died, did when they were alive, to help someone now. Ergo, the quote. About a year and a half ago, I found this quote written in my mom's handwriting on a piece of paper. The quote brought me to tears because it told me exactly what I needed to hear, almost as if my mom was telling me what to do.

I am naturally a very timid and worried person. A year ago, if you asked me what I thought about a certain issue, I would give an answer that I had previously heard from someone else, or not give an answer at all. I was so scared to be wrong, and so scared to be what people didn't want me to be. My whole being was made up of what I believed to be other's expectations of who "April" should be, and looking back, I see that I was a dreadful mess. Not only was I constantly afraid of other's opinions of me, but I was consumed with trying to be like the people that I thought everyone loved. I was this weird, cheap imitation of a genuine person. My logic was that if I was like that person, the person that everyone respects and loves, then I would be respected and loved too. But my logic only proved to be faulty.

Last February, I was confronted by the leadership in my church about this problem. It was handled very harshly and not biblical (In accordance to Matthew 18.) Though I do not agree at all with how the situation was handled, I am thankful that it happened. After this meeting, I became a very isolated person. I was angry with people, and that anger caused me to rebel against them. Now, when I say rebel, I do not mean that I started drinking, doing drugs, or anything of the sort. I mean that I rebelled against what my church and close friends believed to be the "norm" and began the creation of me. My thinking became, "I don't care what they think... I like doing this, so I am going to do it." Of course, that mindset is not okay to have when considering sin, but thankfully, I was kept by the Lord's hand away from that kind of temptation. But in every other aspect of life, I began, over the summer, to develop my own mind and my own convictions regarding things. If you asked me now what I thought about such and such a thing, I would tell you, honestly, what I believed about it. And, I can tell you now, I have never felt so free.

And so, this quote has become a sort of "Mile Stone" statement for my life over this past year. I have taken the risk to blossom and grow into who I know I am in Christ. Yes, there have been times where it has been painful- I have had to learn from a few wrong decisions. But when has being wrong become the end of the world? I don't think I really believe in failure anymore. Sure, we do things that don't work, but if we learn from it, we are better in the end. That is LIFE. We live, we learn, we grow... I am not afraid to live life and experience everything it has to offer- whether painful or delightful. We only have one life to live and I don't want to miss even a moment.

Just live your life!

Purity, Christ, Clarity.

I'm longing for Jesus. There is so much purity and goodness in Christ and in a life lived for Him... to the praise of His glory. I long for the purity and clarity that is given in Christ. Lately, and I can't quite figure out why, I have felt like I am in a fog. I know that life is happening around me, but my mind can't really engage in whats happening. Its almost as if I am dreaming or something. I am very A.D.D. and can't keep a conversation well. This really bugs me because I want to be able to experience everything fully and with full attention, but I haven't been able to lately. I haven't been able to clearly see the goodness of the Lord and dwell on Him as I ought. I want Jesus to fix me and make me new.

Album of the day: Clean by Shane & Shane

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Goober Love

I have a nephew and he is 3 and a half. His name is Mason, but is known more affectionately as "Goober." Today, we spent the day together. First, we went to Target and he got to pick out a toy- he chose a slinky- and then he got a candy bar. After that, we headed over to Washington Park and played make believe and swung on the swings, and ran around. It was fun... When we decided it was time for lunch, we headed to Vons so I could get him a lunchable (I refused to go to a fast food place. Only the BEST for my Goob!) He started to get fussy then and then he reached the point of no return. From then on, he was a little bit of a monster. He started crying and hitting and getting angry. So, instead of having a picnic, I just drove him back home. I feel bad that he was so upset, but when a kid doesn't take a nap, they turn into a monster. Then, he fell asleep on the way home... hahah Today was eventful and a little draining. Happy to be home.

Movie of the day: (500) Days of Summer
Album of the day: (500) Days of Summer Soundtrack

My Goob when he was happy : )

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Day in Old Town

Old Town was my destination today. This trip, however, would be different than my previous trips. Today, I took the trek alone. I have dubbed today my "Me" day. No people, just me, a beautiful, busy town, and lots of free time. This is something I have been talking about doing since before Finals week, so I am happy to be doing it, finally.

When I arrived, there was little traffic and lots of parking places. I parked my car and made the trek down the road to Colorado. I walked around a little bit to see what all was there and ended in Intelligentsia, which is the coffee shop I blogged about a few weeks ago. I got "the usual" (Or what I got last time) which is a mocha and almond pastry. (Picture to be posted at the end of this post.) The coffee tasted better than I remembered, so it made it a sweet environment to sit and read for 3 hours. It was nothing short of relaxing.

Right now I am in Barnes & Noble- I'll be heading home in a few minutes and I'm hoping to avoid traffic. However, I have a feeling that the freeway will be a parking lot for most of the ride home. I don't, however, have any plans tonight, so I don't care if I get home late or not.

Album of the day: Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons

Does this not look absolutely delicious?!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Tipping Point

Book Review to come shortly!

Does It Ever Get Simple Again?

Hard truth to come to terms with:
The older I am, the more complicated life gets.

Nostalgic & overwhelmed.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Humbling Day

Humbled. To say the least.

My previous post was a result of my frustration that my dad took my car with him to work this morning instead of his little car. I had made plans to see friends today, and like I said, I hate depending on other people. So, because I can't drive stick shift, I couldn't get there without asking a friend for a ride. All morning I was complaining and grumbling because the rain had "Stopped" and "he totally could have taken his car!" But I was wrong. The road he takes to work was so flooded that they closed it down- had he taken his car, he would have been in a tough situation with the floods. Just now it was raining so hard that my street flooded in a minute- literally. Because he is in my car, he is able to avoid hydroplaning better than he would in his corvette.

I am humbled today. And so thankful that my dad is safe. <3


I am an independent person. I like being able to work for money and take myself places... I like to do things on my own. So, when any of my agents for being independent are taken away, and I have to be dependent on other people, I have a very difficult time with it. I get frustrated and upset. I truly hate having to depend on other people to do things for me. Because 1. I don't deserve it. and 2. I hate when people have some control of something I am doing. I have things planned out in my head a certain way when I do things, and when someone else is in the picture, things don't ever turn out quite how I planned. It frustrates me to have so little control over my life...

This morning is one of those mornings.

I have mixed feelings about how I should handle this. I want to scream. I want to be upset and frustrated and I want to gain control again somehow. But on the other hand, I know that being frustrated is just an endless hole that won't be filled- I will justt get more and more frustrated until something not-so-good happens. So logically, being calm about the situation is the best choice... But I have a hard time doing what is right because I don't see how that gives me the control again.

I'm frustrated...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Good or Bad? You Be the Judge!

Thus far my Christmas break has consisted of Christmas celebrations, baking, movies, lots of sleep, reading, and a whole lot more of nothing that requires much responsibility. And I must say, I have mixed feelings about it. Don't get me wrong, being able to sleep without the worry of missing class, or even worse, chapel, has been sheer enjoyment. But I am starting to feel very unproductive and purposeless in the midst of all of this laziness... and its only day 5! So, I am thinking that I am going to clean the house today; that way, I will satisfy my desire to do something productive, and my dad will be happy to come home to a clean house!

After all of the cleaning is done, I am going to read. I fear I am turning into a true English major... The question now is: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Leave your answer in the comment section.

Happy Monday!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Dinner Party

Last night (Friday night), I went to a Christmas Dinner/Party for the college group at my church here at home. I will say that my expectations were higher for the party, but the reality of it was still pretty fun!

Lets start with the party prep: I didn't really know what to wear to the dinner, because I didn't have anything "fancy, but fun" enough. I found a semi-chic black party dress in my closet, with a Jackie-O feel to it, and ruffled pieces of fabric sewn around the bottom. I decided on wearing that dress, but my only problem was that it was a little too short- I needed something on my legs to make it a little less... scandalous. So, I set off to the mall to find some tights.

While I was there, I went into H&M and what do I see? A SALE! If any of you have been to an H&M Sale, you know that they are quite the steal! So, I grabbed 6 pretty dresses and headed to the dressing room the try them on. After trying on 5 of them, and having one of them get stuck on me from being a little too small, I almost gave up, until I tried on the last dress. It is a champagne pink satin-like dress with a toga-like design and a black jewel on the left shoulder to offset the pink. I put it on and fell in love with it! So, I bought the dress, along with black tights to go under it! It was a grand total of $20 for the whole outfit!

Now fast forward through the make up and hair and I am at the party. First person I see is my Steffy Beffy (Translated, Stefanie Best Friend)!!! Love her to pieces! She looked ROCKIN' in her chic black dress and metallic silver heels! (I'm friends with a famous person!) We chatted for a few minutes while the pastor was getting ready to talk and when he started, we sat down... Then we ate... then we listened to Christmas music... then we listened to a Christmas message... then we did the white elephant gift exchange... then we left. I chose not to explain the rest of the party because it is all generically self-explanatory. For the most part, I was expecting something new and exciting, but I ended up getting "old and slightly boring." However, over-all it was a fun night to get dressed up! : )

I enjoyed being able to sneak out a few times during the night and talk with Stefanie about life and whats going on. I always think its interesting when two people are going through similar things and they are able to share experiences about it. We're hoping that things turn out well, but our motto right now is, "Just live your life!" It is quite fun to chant at each other in times of frustration! Oh the friendship of besties...

Here is a picture of me and Stefanie in front of the tree at the party:
That's the dress I ended up buying... and doesn't Stef look gorgeous?! Love it!!!! <3

First Name

Adam and eve were the first people... That means that  no one was there to be like them and no one had their names. How cool is it to think that you were the first person to ever be named that name?!

Just thought it was a cool thing to think about. : )

Friday, December 17, 2010

Bliss List

Why Today (Friday) is awesome:

1. Free Laundry
2. Lunch with Becky
3. Getting to sit and read without worrying about responsibilities
4. Natasha Bedingfield's CD Strip Me
5. Snuggling with the doggies
6. Being able to drive around town... <3
7. Got to see my daddy this morning! : )
8. Christmas dinner tonight, which means...
9. ... I get to see my best friend STEFANIE!!!! :D
10. Its the start of the weekend

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I'll be home for Christmas... Well, I am already here! Finished my last final at 8:47 this morning and have been on Christmas break ever since! I have to say, today has been quite productive, despite the immense lack of sleep hours. I was able to go Christmas shopping and catch up with a couple of friends already! I am so blessed!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my Grey's Anatomy Marathon isn't going to work out how I had planned... Turns out that to rent an entire season of the show at Blockbuster Video, you have to pay $20, and that's only to have it for three days! I said, "Not worth my time!" and walked out of that door, only to realize that my plan for next week had fallen through. So, I started rearranging things on my schedule and I figured it out! Starting today, through next Thursday, I am going to read the book I just bought called "The Tipping Point" by Malcom Gladwell. So far, so awesome! Then, the week that I would have read my "over the break book", I will use to work on outlines for my next semester New Testament class! No time like the present to do what needs to be done! : )

Okay... This is a little scatter brained- sorry! I had a grand total of 2 hours of sleep last night... probably 15 hours all week, so I am losing it! Thankfully, I have nothing to wake up for tomorrow morning! Though, I think I might wake up and clean the house for my daddy. I am thankful for him.

Bee Tee Dub (BTW, By The Way) This Christmas hasn't been as hard as the previous two have been without my mom. Looks like time really does heal all wounds! Miss her much, but thankful for healing!

4am- Finals Week Update

I go home for Winter Break later today... That is, after my treacherous O.T. final at 8am. I can't decide whether I want to stay up until my final, take it, then sleep until it is time to go home, or sleep, wake up at 6:30, take the final, and then sleep when I get home. But, that is a decision to be made after I write this blog.

One thing I am looking forward to when I am home is being able to drive wherever, whenever I want... alone! This is a privilege that I have missed dearly since being here at Master's. If you know me, you know that I hate depending on people for things. So, you can imagine my discontentment when I learned I was not allowed to bring my car to school with me this semester. Not that having to ask for rides is necessarily the absolute worst thing ever. But, not having the freedom to do as I please has been a struggle to accept. You can bet that I am going to be spending loads of time traveling around this winter break, just because I can!

One thing I am not looking forward to when I am home: People like Ella Grimes, Anna Wilson, Sarah Moneymaker, Natalie Gates, Briana Lundsford, and many others, will be miles away from me for an entire month. Sure, I have made it clear that I want to spend some "Me Time" over the break, but not having these lovely ladies around is going to make it a hard month to get through! I miss them all already! ;)

OH! And one more thing: I cannot WAIT for my Grey's Anatomy Marathon. Starts Monday December 20th, and ends the day I finish the last episode of season 6... Bring on the hospital beds and personal drama- I am ready!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Just Live Your Life

A common phrase that I have been saying lately is, "Just live your life!" I have found that its a good philosophy to live by right now. I am the kind of person who daily lives with regrets and fears that keep me from experiencing the things that make life exciting and meaningful. But thinking, "Just live your life!" helps me to remember that I really have only one chance to live this moment, and every moment, so I should do whatever would make it the most enjoyable. Jim Elliot said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt of every situation you believe to be the will of God."  When we think about living every moment to the fullest, we tend to be the happiest. I don't mean in the way that is mentioned in Ecclesiastes "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die." I do not want to sound like I am talking about living life and sinning. I only mean that we shouldn't have to live with regrets and fears that keep us from experiencing the best that life has to offer.

Being in the church can be difficult at times because many times, the members are drenched with legalistic ideas that they impress upon you. I am learning to stop living according to the standards and personal convictions of others and to start developing my own in accordance to God's law, of course.

I am going to live my life and try not to have regrets or fears in the midst of it. Today is all we have... How are you going to spend it?

Vintage Coffee

On Saturday, I went to Old Town with two of my friends. We went to the Intelligentsia Coffee off of Colorado and it was the best coffee I have ever had... truly. I equate it to the first time I discovered She & Him... its THAT amazing... ;)

Anyway, this is a picture of my mocha.

I plan to spend the majority of my break in Old Town... I can't wait to be alone!

On a side note: Its finals week. I have one more final on Thursday and then I'm done with my first semester of college! However, this final is a tough one, so I am spending all day tomorrow studying for it. I could be like everyone else and complain about how I don't want to study because its so time consuming, but I was thinking about that today and I don't want to be that person. I came to the conclusion that its ridiculous to complain about that because how blessed am I to be able to focus all of my attention on ONE THING without anything else distracting me? They cancel classes and chapel just so we can focus on doing our best on these finals... I call that a blessing!

She & Him Song of the night:
Gonna Get Along Without You Now

Monday, December 13, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Wake Me Up

Since the day we were born, we have all been breathing, thinking, growing, feeling, seeing, tasting, smelling, hearing... Looking objectively, those actions would say that we are alive. I have been thinking about this subject and I would have to say I would change one part of that statement... those actions would say that we are not dead. When you're dead, you do not breathe, or think, or change at all. You are nothing and can do nothing. When death is given breath, it is given life. What do we do with the life we have? How do we cultivate the breath we have to spur on a life? When I talk about life, I mean living life- experiencing life in a way that is beyong the mundane and meaningless. What gives meaning to life and who is the judge of that? How can we give meaning to our lives, meaning that gives us purpose and gives us happiness? How much satisfaction is there out there to obtain and how can we obtain it? There comes a point where we realize that we are not happy with how our lives are going, and we search for that one thing to wake us up and give us the courage to continue living. What is going to wake me up and show me that there is so much more than what I have been living? I know there is so much more than what I have been experiencing, but I haven't found it yet. Maybe its foolish to hope that it will find me, but my efforts to find that meaning have failed thus far. Now, I am going to wait and hope it finds me soon.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Sleepy State

I am in a state of dissatisfaction. I am not happy with my life right now- not happy with who I am. Its real odd, but I feel like I can't get truly happy lately. I can't fully enjoy life, and I can't figure out why. I liken it to taking a deep breath and never being able to get enough oxygen to satisfy your need. Right now, I need to be happy... I long to be satisfied and I want to enjoy life, but like that breath, I can never fully enjoy anything. Why?

I want to go home because I am done with school and everyone here (Not in a mean way, just ready for a break.) But I don't want to be home because its the same issue there. Today, I was looking up flight time from here to anywhere and I am really considering taking a trip to anywhere but here.

I just can't find real enjoyment in life right now... I need something to wake me up from this sleepy state and give me something to be happy about.


I just read a quote by our President Barack Obama, regarding the issue or pro-choice/ abortion saying,
"If my daughters made a mistake, I don't want them to be punished with a baby."

I don't even know where to begin to describe how disgusting that statement is. His view is obviously "Pro-Choice," meaning that women have the right to choose if they want to keep or kill the baby growing inside of them. But what saddens me when I read this quote is that he thinks a baby is a type of "punishment" for making the mistake of having sex. But when has a precious little one ever been a punishment? How is a baby, that doesn't know how to do anything on its own except for breathe, considered a burden or punishment? I don't understand that. In my eyes, every baby is a precious jewel. They need to be cared for and loved. They need us to help them live and many people are making them die. Its tragic and terribly sad. I love babies and children so so much and the thought of them being hurt breaks my heart because they are precious and innocent children. They are just fragile frames and sweet minds. Obama is wrong in thinking that a baby out of marriage is a punishment for a mistake. Having sex outside of marriage is a mistake, yes, but the baby is a gift no matter what. God chose to knit that baby in the womb of its' mother, and there is no mistaking it.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Roomie Fun...

Okay! I have noticed a trend with my roomie lately and I love LOVING it! I have stayed up past 3 a few times and each time, I notice my roommate do something really funny. Earlier this week she got up and changed her clothes, walked outside the door and came back in and said, "I don't know why I just did that!" and went to bed. She has talked in her sleep saying things like "Well, this is awkward." and "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! My sister DOES know what she is doing!" But tonight, she did something that tops it all.

I am sitting at my computer and I hear her sit up- usually when she does this, I tell her to go back to bed and she does. But tonight, she says she is awake and knows what she is doing (I asked her 3 times) and she stands up and starts pulling her blankets off of her bed. I asked her what she was doing and she said she wanted to sleep in the hallway... I assured her that she was not awake and that she shouldn't do that, but she insisted that she knew exactly what she was doing and proceeded out the doorway... a few seconds later she comes in and we both start laughing so hard... She finally woke up and realized what she was doing...

Times like these make it real fun to have a roomie!!! : )

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Musical Lessons

Here at Master's right now they are having their annual Christmas Concerts. Those performing in it are performing musically with their voices, the piano, the bells, the violin, the cello, the flute, etc. Its a choir and orchestra concert. I was lucky enough to attend the concert on opening night as an usher. While I was sitting down enjoying the show, a friend leaned over to me and asked me, "What is the point of a conductor? I mean, he just stands up there and waves his arms around..." I started thinking about it and observing what the conductor was doing and how everyone reacted to it. I noticed a lot and was blessed by it.
Here is the slightly cheese analogy I thought of as I observed:

The conductor directs everyone in the show. He is the one who tells everyone when play, how the play, and when to stop playing. He waves his hand up and they play accordingly; He waves his arms around and closes his hands and they all cease to play. The same for the singers. Everyone is watching him intently for what his never command will be and they all obey it. If one person did not look at him and he called the song to an end, they would keep playing and ruin the entire show.

In life, God is the conductor who knows the masterpiece being performed. We are all his choir and orchestra. We need to be watching Him with intent, looking for what His next command will be. When we stop looking at Him, we do not know what our next move should be and we ruin what His plan is.

It is so beautiful to see a show where everyone is submitted to the conductor and making such beautiful music because of it. I am blessed...

And I want to learn to play the cello... <3

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bronchitis Anyone?

Yep... I am sick and end up with Bronchitis...

Went to the Doctor at 1am last night and didn't get back until 4 am. It was quite an adventure, to say the least. I got chest x rays done, and an EKG to make sure that whatever I had wasn't affecting my heart muscle. They made me take a pregnancy test before the xray... even though I told them it was quite impossible for me to be pregnant... These doctors never seem to listen!

Anyway... Now its almost 1am and I need to go to bed, but I am debating whether I should stay up and finish an assignment due tomorrow and risk getting worse, or go to bed and get late credit for the assignment and try to get better. Hmmmm....

Well... I know one thing, I don't need to be on the computer right now... Sooooooooo