Worthy of Love

"Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me- fighting to make the mirror happy.

Trying to find whatever is missing, won't you help me back to glory.

I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart and be amazed.

I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough.

Just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful."

loved

Definition

Impervious: (adj) Incapable of being affected.

Beautiful

Just wanna be worthy of love & beautiful.

Update On My Dad

Lots to say... Where to start?

On Monday, my dog died. I am not so torn up over it because, though he was sweet, I wasn't very attached to him. As a result of his death, my dad went to dig a hole in the back yard yesterday to bury him in. But, I guess when he was digging the hole, he had a heart attack, so he went to the hospital. My sister called me when she was getting to the hospital and let me know what was going on. I asked her to keep me updated- she seemed to think everything was going to be fine.

I didn't hear from her until about an hour later (Around 7:30pm) when she told me he was just getting tests run to see how blocked his arteries are. It turned out that they were all between 60-90% blocked. He coded twice during that time. (Which means his heart stopped twice and they had to resuscitate him.) So, they put a stint in and a temporary pace maker, and they are putting two more stints in later this week.

He is doing okay now. I have talked to him and he just seems real tired. He made me laugh this morning when he said that there is no light like everyone says there is, when you start to die, only darkness. LOL. : ) Way to make light of the situation, dad!

We would all really appreciate your prayers! Thanks so much! : )

Earthquakes in Japan

Finally thinking of someone other than myself.

The earthquakes in Japan are devastating. There have been 5 major earthquakes ranging from 6.0 to 8.9. They have caused tsunami's to sweep across the land at ranging speed. People are dying and its so tragic. Those poor people are facing such utter devastation and they are helpless to it's effects. They cannot talk to the land and waves and ask it for reprieve. Neither of them obey the command of humans. So, those in Japan have no other choice than to face it. And how sad of a reality that it.

I pray for them. I pray that God will give them grace upon grace in relation to injuries, heartache, death, etc. I pray that they will not turn to their gods in this time and assume they are being punished- that they will not turn to falsehood. I pray that they will seek the true God in this and that He will deliver them from this tragedy.

The waves are still moving, and the death toll is rising. The only good news I have heard is that no other country is more prepared for this than Japan.

Prayers and love toward those in Japan.

Reset Button

Sometimes I wish I had a reset button. When I pressed it, it would reset all my emotions and ideas, clearing out all that had been added and leaving only what is essential and basic. I wish I had this restart button so I could forget all of the trouble I've been facing lately and instead look at it as just simple circumstances. All the while knowing what is true- that everything is only momentary and it will all eventually pass. I would know the truth about things and not know my negative reactions to them.

I wish I had a reset button so I could be sane again.

Love

Would you follow me into the dark?

Sylvia and I

I stare at the clock, and the numbers mock me. 2:56am. They snicker at the thought of me being so far away from slumbering sweetly. I breathe in and out quickly. Anxiety at 3am has a strange effect on me. I lay here trying to pinpoint its origin, but I only become more overwhelmed with worries and draw farther away from sleep.

Such has been my routine for the past three nights. The only difference tonight is that I have no one to worry about bothering with my alertness at such an odd hour. My roommate is gone for the night.

I have been laying here reading the journals of Sylvia Plath. She has been my constant companion on sleepless nights. She comforts me by telling me true reality. I find myself time and time again, logging onto Youtube to listen to her read her poems. I recall her voice being powerful. She recites them with such conviction. I fantasize about what it might be like if she were still alive and I got the chance to meet her. I wonder if I would still be as enthralled by her without her claim to suicide. I believe I would be. Reading through her journals- the things that were so very private to her- reveal such intimate detail about who she was. I love her, I think. She is a good friend.

Anyhow... I fear that I shouldn't sleep a wink tonight. I do enjoy being awake, while the rest of the world is asleep, but my body longs for the rest it requires to function. Maybe just a little shut eye... No? As you wish...

Wait up, Sylvia... I'm coming!

The Mind

s  e  p  e s      n  g  t

  l  e   l  s          i  h

What Sarah Said...

Today in my poetry class we had an assignment where we needed to pick a song and play it for the class. The point was to articulate how sound can be poetical and convey meaning, just like words can. After a few weeks of contemplating what I would play, I decided upon "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab For Cutie. The song is essentially about time and the brevity of it. Or, to be more specific, time in relation to death. (I'll post the lyrics to it at the end of this blog.)

Anyway- it made me miss my mom. I think I have said that so much lately that it seems to be waring out. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe if I miss her enough, I will eventually run out of missings. Maybe...

"What Sarah Said"

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?

So who's going to watch you die?

So who'd going to watch you die?

School

I feel unproductive in school this semester. I now know that I cannot, for my own sanity, take 12 units ever again. It's like I have no homework and I don't like it.

I miss her...

I miss her more today than usual. I think about the cliche, "Time heals all wounds." and cannot decide whether it is incorrect or not. In a way, time heals the initial hurt of losing someone to death. The shock of death has worn off and you are able to accept it more as time goes on. But I tend to think of it more as, the more days that pass, the farther you are away from the last time you were with that person. It is hard.

I miss her so much. I truly hate death.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone...

"You don't believe a woman could enjoy being free and independent?...Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later."

-- (500) Days of Summer

Better Day...

Today has been a better day. Not really "good," but better. I am hoping that the days keep getting better. If not, I just hope that they are atleast this good and productive.

Regrets...

...are hard to deal with.

Released From The Grip

"Finally" is just a boring word. But for the sake of explanation, I will use it. I have finally come out of the slum of sadness that I have been in for the last week. To say I am relieved would be an under statement. I am very thankful to have peace in my heart and mind. I am thankful to be able to get out of bed and get things done. I am thankful to be laughing without it hurting. I am thankful.

Looking forward to my trip with my Ella Bella Best Friend tomorrow to a "far away" land. EEK! It should be a fun day. We are going to eat at a quaint little diner type place, and possibly do some other things. Just happy to be able to spend a day with a good friend in a place that isn't campus.

Now back to learning to play the Ukulele... I hope I get the hang of this thing soon!

Oh... and I may or may not have a stomach issue. Tomorrow I am changing my diet to see if it helps. If not, I'll head to El Doctor-o soon. But here is to hoping that a change of diet can help it!

I hate death.

I just got the urge to call my mom. My desire to talk to her is overwhelming. I want to scream... I want to kick and scream. I hate death. I hate death. I hate death.

Drowning

Can anyone save me?

I am drowning fast into a deep lake of troubles. This pain has become so strong that I almost feel numb. I'm lost. I need direction and care. Not judgment and convictions. Each person seems to misunderstand me completely. I need just one person to tell me they know me and love me and mean it forever. Show me you mean it because I am losing hope. I am losing hope in everything. I need to be guided.

Can anyone save me?

A Riddle

I have been recruited to play The Game. What clever strategy is needed when playing such a sport. The game is quite tricky. Like any game, you play to win. But there is a twist as the game progresses. If you win the game, you lose, and if you lose the game, you lose. Your opponent resembles a familiar face and is a grand competition; they are constantly warring against you. The Game is appealing in many ways because there are rewards when you reach each new level, but also penalties as you do the same. Those who play rarely end in a good state, but they become so competitive and determined that they do not mind the set backs- they only push on to win The Game that cannot be won.

When a letter is sent to draft you as a player, you must make a decision. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself, is The Game worth all of the strife? Is The Game worth your very life?

Becoming More Human

The most vulnerable moments- the times when you show the very deepest of your soul to someone, is when you can conclude who you do and do not feel safe with. To let every wall crash down to a million concrete pieces, when you, with the little strength you have, can choose to keep up even a little of it as a protecting prison, is a rare and beautiful moment. There is nothing standing between your heart and your confidant's- only a pure stream of truth flows peacefully on. To feel safe with someone is a rarity, but when the safety is established, you are changed, just a little, into something more human than the robot you have been known to be.

Week of Happiness

I hate the bad things in life.

My recent hatred is formed from the hatred of memory loss, as in, when people get short term memory loss, or Alzheimer's or something. It is such a terrible disability. I wish I could cure it... The person who has it isn't aware of it, but those around them are, and it makes things very difficult emotionally and situationally.

I want a week of happiness.

Countdown

I turn 21 in 438 days.

To say "I cannot wait!" would be limiting the expression of my anticipation!

Needless to say, I am very very enthusiastic about turning 21... : )

Car...

Best news all day:

I GET TO KEEP MY CAR AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am so surprised and so happy! This means many things! : )

Learned again today that...

Change is good. : )

Transatlanticism -- Death Cab for Cutie

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...

The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere

When the water filled every hole.

And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,

Making islands where no island should go.

Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.

The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flat lands to your door have been silenced forever more.

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row

It seems farther than ever before

Oh no.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

So come on, come on

So come on, come on

So come on, come on

So come on, come on

Death is a devastating reality to come to terms with... I need you so  much closer...

College Semester Round 2

Classes have begun!

Classes I am looking forward to the most are:
1. Poetry and Poetics with Esther Chua. The class structure is quite abstract in comparison to how a class tends to be organized. We will be doing things that are hands on, which is the way I think I learn best- by experience. We get to read some of my favorite poets and I am just excited to learn in this way!

2. World Literature with Jo Suzuki. I am looking forward to all of the reading for this class. Also, I think that Suzuki, from what I have seen of him today, is someone that I enjoy being around! He is, at first glance, a very sweet and conservative older man, but when he starts to talk, his comments are hilarious and vicious, but in a loving way. My laughing quota for this semester will be met with abundance just from this class alone!

I am indifferent to my Critical Thinking & Problem Solving class with Claire Blackwell. However, there is one class that I am very intimidated by and, I suppose, would be on my "Not-so-excited-for" list. That class would be:

Studies in John Milton with Grant Horner. Don't get me wrong- I am looking forward to learning about John Milton and reading many of his works. However, I think that it will be a little over my head. I know that if I get anything less than an A in the class, I will be disappointed in myself. But I want to take the class anyway because it will be a good experience, I think. So, I am going to subject myself to the pain and agony of studying Milton and writing a 20 page paper on him, for a grade that won't be in the least bit impressive!

My enthusiasm for homework is quite strong right now. I hope that it lasts and that I do not become apathetic toward it. I love learning and I am sincerely thankful for the opportunity to go to college and get a degree!

Sigh...

I have never felt as incompetent as I did tonight. This is quite discouraging.

New Book, Classes, etc.

Today I started reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.

So far I will say that the beginning was a little slow, but around pg. 40 the story started to pick up and is now a very intriguing read. Can't wait to finish it!

On a completely different note: classes start tomorrow. I am both enthused and nervous to start classes. We'll see what this semester has to offer!

Back to school, Back to school, to prove to my dad that I'm not a fool.

Laundry: If I am ever asked what my favorite chore is, my response would be laundry. The process of putting dirty clothing into a machine with soap and water, and having them come out clean and smelling like fresh flowers, makes me happy and comfortable. I enjoy doing laundry.

Organizing: If you know me, you know that I enjoy clean, organized space. I am not fond of clutter. When I am doing something, I am more motivated to get it done when the environment around me is clean and organized. Organization has become necessary for me if I want to do well.

Packing: This is a daunting task. Folding, wrapping, stuffing, placing, loading, etc. Packing is my least favorite of these three chores. The reason why is because I find it so pointless to pack everything away when you will unload the packing soon after its done.

This is my "I'm going back to school" blog, in case you hadn't gotten the point just yet. I leave for school tomorrow morning and I am looking forward to decorating my dorm room. I have a theme for it and its unlike anyone else's. I just can't wait to see the outcome. I'll post pictures when I am done decorating tomorrow!

Biggest fear about going back to school: I will not stay the strong and independent person that I am.
Biggest excitement: I get to put my all into school and learning. I am looking forward to growing in knowledge!

Well... back to the three chores... Laundry is almost done! This should be a productive day!

EXCITEMENT!

I am full of excitement for life! Its a secret now, but I have big news coming. I can't wait for it to come about and I am looking forward to change and adventure!

Waiting on the world to change...

I keep talking about how excited I am for the future. I know it probably gets repetitive, but I can't help it! I just can't believe how possible my dreams really are, and its encouraging to finally see them happening!

On a slightly different topic, I have gotten so addicted to change. I crave the thrill of change and unknown possibilities. The fact that engaging in a new activity brings about mystery and possibility gives me a rush of adrenaline. It's risky and thrilling! I don't really know whats happened to me because I used to be so opposed to change that it would make me sick to my stomach. But I don't know... its something that I really love now. So, I am changing my life. If all goes as planned, I will be in a very good place by this time next year! I just can't wait to see how everything works out!

I am embracing change because life is constantly shifting course. I look forward to going with whatever is brought into my path. Change is the only constant. Embrace it, or you'll be left behind.

Anyway... I love my life and I love living!

Ready for the mistakes...

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -- Albert Einstein.

...

"Each person that we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line."

Dangerous

Ever wanted to do something dangerous without consequence? I do all the time...

Life. Change. Freedom.

Change.

Change is happening all around me. 2010 was the year of change. I went from being completely dependent on other people to being independent and strong. I went to college. I got my license. I lost friends and gained new ones. I have changed, almost completely, into a whole new person, and the change is continuing. I am beginning to realize what I want in life and how I need to go about getting it. There is a problem, though. I have been stuck in a world for the past 5 years that looks down on people getting an education, a career, a life. I am tired of being held down by the rules that molded me into a robot that was programmed to speak, do, and think only what she was told to do. But that funny thing is that I never once felt the "freedom" that other's said it would bring me.

I am continuing to change now in 2011. My life is becoming my own and I have never felt more free. There is so much that I cannot wait to experience and life seems to promising and bright! I am planning to do a lot to change my life this year, and, if everything goes as planned, it will be another year of change for the better!

Seriously Fed Up

People need to know that there is a fine line between advising someone on life, and trying to control their life.

Growing Up

"Part of growing up means making choices for yourself. Not based off of what other people think and their convictions, but what you believe to be good and true for you."

I Love New Things!

Today, I start reading blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcom Gladwell.

Should be a real good read! Hoping to finish it today too!

P.S. I really am going to post a review of the Tipping Point. Just haven't found the time to write it! But its coming!

Album of the Day: Waking Up by OneRepublic

Adults Make Decisions

I need to lose weight. Diet starts TOMORROW!


(Refrain from Commenting if its anything along the lines of "No you don't!"... Thanks!)


Oh the glories of being an adult and making my own decisions!